Remember that time when I wrote about how thrilled I was to be turning 30? That time when I was eagerly anticipating the new and wonderful things that would unfold before me? Well, my first year of being 30 didn’t quite live up to my expectations. Of course, I didn’t anticipate a life full of unicorns and rainbows, but I never thought it would be this challenging and somewhat.. disheartening.
In early 2023, my plan to move to South Korea just fell through. I’d been gearing up for this leap since late 2020 and I was so convinced that it would happen. I ticked off all my checkboxes to make it a reality, but no dice. I wouldn’t go so far as to say my universe crumbled after getting a solid “no-go” for this year, but it was a real bummer.
A few months after receiving that upsetting news, while still tending to my broken heart, I found myself going in and out of clinics due to abnormal bleeding. It was due to a sizable polyp. I had to undergo surgery to have it removed from my cervix, thereby putting an end to my 30-year streak of avoiding hospitalization.
Facing job rejections didn’t make things any easier. I managed to pass initial and follow-up interviews, only to miss the final cut. I wasn’t unemployed, but I was in the midst of actively seeking new opportunities when I unexpectedly found myself hospitalized.
As the famous proverb says: When it rains, it pours. And it really poured in the first half of 2023.
I found myself crying out to God quite often and out of the blue, telling him that I didn’t deserve this. I was prideful and bullheaded. And then slowly, I began to pity myself. Each morning turned into a battle as I wrestled to face the day. My enthusiasm for work vanished. I was really.. sad, so sad that I felt like crying whenever someone asked a simple “How are you”.
But as usual, He held me through it all and spoke to me through people, songs, and His Word. A devotional plan called “Walking Through Spiritual Valleys” nudged me to take the first step to climb out of the pit I dug myself into. One beautiful thing I picked up from it that I think I will cherish for the rest of my life is this: It is during our walk through the dark valley that we have to rely on what we KNOW rather than what we FEEL.
All of the things we learned about our Savior on the easier days seem to fade when we’re in the valley. Our faith weakens each day. Doubt creeps in. We feel far from God— alone and afraid. That is why it is vital to remind ourselves of what we know about Him.
We are not walking through that valley alone. He is with us the whole time. And although we can never grasp His thoughts and ways, we can be sure that we can fully trust Him. BECAUSE He loves us and He is for us. If He allows us to walk through the valley, then He has a good purpose for that valley.
I’m still on my journey out. I have my share of tough days. Yet, I’m not weighed down by the sadness and discouragement that consumed me a few months back. These days, I make a conscious effort to remind myself that I’m a work in progress, just like everyone else. And it’s not even about our will or hard work. It’s simply about God’s grace in us. My intention is to keep embracing that grace that guides us out of the deepest pits and darkest valleys.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalms 23:4
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